Thursday, January 17, 2008

Snowy wishes, and the silent scream

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Snowy wishes, and the silent scream
Current mood: stressed

Yay, snow! So pretty. . .I hope it doesn't get washed away before we awake in the morning. At the very least, it would be nice to have an excuse to sleep in rather than take Sweetcheeks to Montessori. OK, yes I admit: I am (guiltily) hoping they'll cancel school tomorrow. Even though I'm sure I'd have no problem driving there. And it would be better all around for Sweetcheeks to go to school. But I. Don't. Want. To get up early. And neither does Billy, which becomes a problem if Babyman demands my attention when Sweetcheeks has to be getting ready for school. Urgh. SO it would be nice if the ice does me a favor and sticks around just long enough for a snow day at school. We'll see.

Today was rough. Recently I was trying to explain to someone why it is that I have difficulty figuring out what I want, when asked. Decisions like what do I want to eat, would I rather do this or that, where would I like to go first. . . if the decision really is as simple as what I want, rather than what needs to be done, then I am at a loss. I just can't decide. The reason is, I realized, that I am just out of practice at meeting my own desires. Very out of practice. Quite simply, my entire life is about what other people want. (and need). Everything I think, decide and do is based on others. Just about everything. It's sort of a depressing thought. And when I do get the opportunity to make a decision for myself, it's just too much trouble. I am devoting all my brainpower toward everything else I am responsible for; don't trouble me with petty choices. Sigh.

Sometimes today the chaos around me would just morph into this wall of sound, surrounding me on all sides, moving and changing but losing all sense and time, and I'd be lost, penned there in the center, thinking that if I opened my mouth to scream nothing would come out.

But it wouldn't last long- with an effort I'd focus back in on some aspect of the chaos that needed my attention, and the juggling act would begin anew.

I am falling asleep at the keyboard. Good night!

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