Navel Gazing: "Shut Up."

My brain has been waking up.

You know that saying, that you don't know what you have until it's gone? Well, sometimes you don't know what you've lost until it returns.

See, Babyman isn't sleeping through the night. He's nearing 18 months old, but he still isn't sleeping through the night. Gradually gradually however, he has been doing better at night. I've had a number of nights now where he has only woken once, and often that's while I am still up. So for me, there have been a number of nights that I get a full night's sleep. It's heavenly. I'm still tired all the time, and it will be a long while before I catch up on my sleep, but the difference is palpable.

Before, I felt like I was functioning pretty well, and I guess I was. The kids were cared for, the bills were paid, we managed to get to our various commitments if not on time, then at least in time to participate. The house wasn't (isn't) clean, but we had clothes to wear and dishes to eat out of. I spoke to my friends and family on a regular basis and felt like I'd had a good conversation once in awhile. I knew I wasn't doing as much as I'd like, but I was doing the best I could and it was OK.

Now I realize how little I was engaging the world around me. Sure, I was talking to people and observing my environment, but only a small percentage was being processed. I didn't talk as much as I might normally, because I couldn't hold a coherent thought in my head long enough to verbalize it and still be in the flow of the conversation. I wasn't actually noticing a lot of what was going on around me. I knew what the kids were up too; that was important. But beyond that, I was too sleepless and distracted to see much of what was happening. So I listened a lot, heard a little, and talked less.

I am still distracted, still scattered, but I am a lot more awake and aware than I was before. My neurons are firing in sync a lot more often than they were before, allowing me to follow conversations and think of things to say. This has led to a new problem: I talk too much. Now I make connections between what is being said in the conversation and my own experiences, and I am blurting them out before I've had time to think about whether it's really going to further the discussion or not. Sometimes, I am so excited by what's being said that I am interrupting people to blurt out things that are marginally useful at best. This goes for conversations with adults AND things I say to my kids. Too often, I am telling myself, "Shut up, Kit, just shut up."

I am SO glad to be functioning a little better. The sleep was desperately needed. I feel so much more awake and engaged, and I am getting more done. I see the benefits in so many little areas of my life. I didn't realize how badly my sleepless nights were taking their toll, until I started waking up. However, I am going to have to reign in this verbal barrage that spills out of my mouth. It's going to take conscious effort. Listen more, talk less. Make words the currency that you spend wisely. That's what I will work toward. (Hmm, it might be a good goal for my WRITING too, eh? Sorry.) Hopefully, I will find my balance where I can take care of business, enjoy socializing, and contribute to conversations without running my mouth non-stop. It's a goal. :)

Those of you with kids: did you notice the difference in your life when your baby (or babies) started sleeping better? In your mental function? Everyone: is there anything you are working toward improving in yourself right now?

Breezing by

First off, I'd like to announce that Babyman MIGHT be getting the right idea when it comes to sleeping at night. MIGHT. Maybe. I hope. He (and therefore I) have slept well the past two nights. Aaaaah. (I won't dwell on the fact that it's taken 10 MONTHS to get this far. . . No, I won't.) Combine that with the first handful of nice, cool days we've had this year and I am feeling quite sunny. :)

* * *

Babyman now has three teeth, and though he doesn't yet crawl in the typical, cross-crawling formation on hands and knees, he can drag himself around quite sufficiently. (It's pretty funny looking!) The other day he surprised me by using a sound effect while pretending to drive a toy car on my shirt. Just like his older brothers! And now, if you ask him if he is a doggy, he will gleefully hang his tongue out and pant like a dog. (LOL! I guess he picked that up from Gypsy and Gimli.) On the one hand I am always hoping for him to develop faster to make some things easier for me, but on the other hand I am amazed at how quickly it seems to go. Like watching paint dry while you sit inside a speeding rocketship.

* * *

I am in love with fall weather. Give me the first couple breezy, sunny cool days and my whole soul feels different. It's a remarkable (and sometimes much needed) attitude adjustment!

* * *

I'll close now because I want to ride my fall weather high (and had-enough-sleep energy level) for more productive pursuits. I'll leave you with a fun link:
http://www.theevolutionofdance.com/
Enjoy!

Scatterbrained Mini-musings

Ohhhh, I have a migrane.

The wild grapevines are starting to gild the foliage here and there, in tangles by roadsides- the first sign this year of Autumn. I welcome thee!

Babyman slept soundly last night from about 9:30 pm till about 3:30 am. 6 hours! A record. He then slept on, till about 7 am. I am very pleased- it's a sign, I hope, of better nights to come. A light at the end of the tunnel. A knot at the end of my rope. And so on, and so forth. Too bad I stayed up late. DOH!

My new favorite drink at Starbucks is a tall soy chai latte, no water. Yum.

Littleman's favorite phrase right now seems to be "You don't underSTAND me!" (~rolling eyes~) The kid is 4 for heaven's sake!

Sweetcheeks had a fun birthday. (Thank you all, who came out!) He's 3! I think he had a blast, and really felt special. I was glad to see that. It's tough, being the middle kid.

Babyman LOVES to wave these days. Smile and wave, smile and wave. Politics? Hollywood? He laughs a lot, loves to hang upside down and is trying to figure out the whole crawling thing. He likes cheerios and can really pack away some baby food. (I think it's all stored in his fat little knee rolls.) Still nursing, too. He loves music and singing, and will "sing" along with a CD or "sing" himself to sleep. He loves books and no paper is safe in his reach. He's still quite demanding, but will play by himself for short stretches now.

Thanks to a Wendy's kids meal prize, the boys have discovered the joy of books on CD. (So something good came out of that trip, besides convenience!) We have been listening to Magic Tree House books on CD just as fast as we can check them out from the library. It's been great!!



On that note, I've completely run out of steam. Besides, my head feels like it is imploding and I'm a little nauseous. I'm going to go to bed and pray for a repeat sleep performance from Babyman tonight. Is there a Native American dance, like a rain dance, to encourage babies to sleep at night?

Oh, CRAP.
Did I jinx it?
Babyman wakes.
Dammit. And a whole host of other expletives.
Ah, well. Off I go.

A nap, and peanut butter and apple sandwitches

Today I had a ton of stuff to do. But, I was TIRED. The fatigue has been building all week, as Babyman continues to struggle with teething and neither of us is sleeping well at night. Add to that the fact that I never get a nap, and well I have been dragging. But this afternoon, I had managed to get a couple things done at least. My bedroom was so pleasant, with the windows open and sunny shadows dancing on the wall, sparkling with movement whenever the cool breeze came through the screen. The older boys were tucked in their beds, and babyman was nursing sleepily next to me.

I took a nap.

A long, luxurious nap in the lazy sunny afternoon. It was really quite heavenly. And evernow, I feel so much better for it. I am still tired, but I am functioning, and my temper's not as short-fused. Much, much better.

Thumbs-up, naps!

* * *

Littleman came up with another original recipe, and this one I actually tried. It was quite good!
Littleman's Peanut Butter and Apple Sandwiches

Spread peanut butter on two slices of bread. Slice a fresh apple thinly, and layer slices over the peanut butter on one of the pieces of bread. Put other piece of bread on top (peanut butter side in, of course) and cut sandwich in half. Eat!

I like to eat apple slices with peanut butter, and of course peanut butter sandwiches are a staple around here, so when Littleman suggested a "peanut butter and apple sandwich", I thought "Why not?" It's not bad at all- the fresh apple has a nice crispness to offset the soft bread and peanut butter, and all the flavors go well together. Good idea, Littleman!

trying to steal a moment. . .

Thursday, December 06, 2007


trying to steal a moment. . .
Current mood: stalked

If I am going to blog at all these days, it seems I'd better do it earlier than I used to. Night is hard enough, getting everyone fed and to bed at a sort of reasonable hour, while still taking care of babyman- I used to be able to sit and blog after bedtime, and still get enough sleep. Now I'm lucky to get to bed before 1 or 2 am, and that's by caring for kids non-stop from dinnertime on. Many nights it is tough to brush my teeth and pee before bed, because babyman typically has a fussy time every evening when I simply cannot put him down. (At least he's generally easy to soothe, as long as he's held!) So every night I think I might blog, yet I never quite get the chance.

On the flip side, sitting here trying to write carries it's own challenges now. The boys are not eating their dinner, nor are they cleaning up as they are supposed to. They are arguing over toys, throwing things down the stairs (a particular struggle right now, that habit of throwing things down the stairs)- and in general trying to distract me, egging each other on and pushing limits.

Here comes one now, crying crocodile tears and whining "mooommy!".

Ha, that was short-lived. You don't get much more fake than that. But the question remains: WILL he pick up the puzzle pieces? Or will there be a greater mess when I venture downstairs?

Now babyman (in the sling) is starting to wake. I bet he's getting hungry. And one of the older boys is coming with real tears, this time.

Now I remember why I always waited until they were asleep. Maybe I'll get the chance to try again later?

ETA: hmm, I used to be able to get smaller text??

First doc visit today

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

First doc visit today Current mood: content New babyman had his first doc visit today- the pediatrician at the hospital had recommended I take babyman in right away to have his weight checked, since he'd lost "so much" weight already. Babyman is now back up to 8 lbs, 5 oz (he was 8 lbs, 7 oz at birth) so he is gaining weight like a champ! I know the hospital staff won't know that and probably wouldn't care, but it still feels good- like I am thumbing my nose at them and their narrow ideas of "normal". Chalk one up for good old breastmilk! Anyway, babyman is doing super, and everything looks good. Hooray! :) Of course, I am already getting the inevitable question: how is he sleeping? Well, he so far refuses to sleep in the co-sleeper bassinet at night. Sleeps 5 minutes, then squirms, wakes and cries. I soothe him, put him back down. Repeat ad nauseum. Last night, I decided it just wasn't worth it, so I set him up in bed with us. He slept like an angel for 5 hours!! (I was astonished). So I guess at least for now, I will definitely consider co-sleeping an option. He is getting better about napping in the bassinet, so hopefully it won't be too long before sleeping there is acceptable at night, too. Co-sleeping is sweet, but Billy and I are both physically more comfortable when babyman's in the bassinet. I don't mind giving babyman some more time to make that transition. I am feeling pretty good, as long as I don't overdo things physically. I have even done some laundry! I admit though, taking care of all three boys by myself is a very daunting prospect, right now. (Scary, in fact!) I will put it off as long as I can, so we all have time to settle into things more gradually. I think I want some tea and a snack, now. Let's see if I can put babyman down long enough to do that. :)

a few random notes

August 27, 2007 - Monday

a few random notes Current mood: groggy Yay for some rain! Boo to power outages that screw up my clock and make me late. Yay for a healthy pregnancy so far! Boo to heartburn. Yay for my first nap in weeks! Boo to dirty dishes and laundry that therefore didn't get done. Yay for a nice meal out with Billy's family! Boo to me forgetting to stop by the grocery store on the way home. I will have to get creative for breakfast again tomorrow, since we are still out of milk and are getting low on eggs. No fresh fruit left, either. Muffins or biscuits? Oatmeal? There might be enough eggs to make breakfast sandwitches again. . . We are normally a cold cereal or bagels kind of a group in the mornings. The animated ad at the top of this page right now is hypnotizing me. I had other things to say, but I really am drawing a total blank right now. I apologize. Maybe tomorrow I can blog during the day when I am more awake. . .? Perhaps? In the meantime, please excuse this loopy, tedious exercise in futility. :P OK. Off to bed.

toddler party animals

Sunday, June 24, 2007

toddler party animals Current mood: uncomfortable So much for schedules! LOL. Littleman and Sweetcheeks were party animals last night at my friend's house- my friend watched them (along with her son, who's 2) while Billy and I went out. My poor friend did try to get everyone to go to bed a few times, but she was outnumbered. So everyone had a night of movies, cuddling and late night cereal with milk. They were still up at 1:00 in the morning when I put them in the car to go home. Wow! But they had a good time, and I had a relaxing evening without them. My poor friend probably needs a nice break today to recover! :) Littleman has been exhibiting his lack of sleep all day today, but I really needed to go to the grocery store, so they didn't get an early nap. In fact, they took SOOO long to clean up and get ready (it was like pulling teeth! Argh!) that we were running late all afternoon instead. Lunch dragged on and on, and finally they went down for a nap at nearly 5. It's nearly 8, and they're still asleep! I might have to wake them soon. Maybe I'll let them watch a movie- with that, and dinner, and maybe a bath, they should be ready for bed at a sort of reasonable time. Hopefully tomorrow they will feel rested. Aha! I hear Littleman going into the bathroom. I'd better get dinner going.

the turning of the year

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

the turning of the year Current mood: cheerful First of all, I would like to announce to the world that Mr Cheeks went to sleep at 9:30 last night, slept till 4:30, then after nursing and a diaper change slept till 8:30! OK OK, you might not think that's such big news but it sure is to me. :) He normally eats every three hours around the clock, so that is a vast improvement when it comes to my ability to get a good night's rest. I'm still tired- I have a lot of catching up to do- but it's good news. I have been so happy to see Spring busting out all over the place. Those couple of 70 degree days were such a breath of fresh air (literally and figuratively). I have been feeling more and more renewed, in a general sort of way. I am inspired to do things again. I didn't feel depressed before, or at least didn't think I did, but I definitely feel happier now that I'm getting outside more, it's not so cold and the leaves are budding out. I'm bummed we never got any real snow, but so be it- it's time for Spring. All that has got me thinking about seasonal changes, and how I would like to have some sort of ritual or recognition of the turning of the year be a regualr part of my childrens' upbringing. There are remnants of these celebrations in our cultural calendar- Easter in Spring, Halloween in Fall, Christmas (or many other religious holidays) in the Winter. Around here, Billy and I celebrate Summer Solstice with our birthday. But I think I am looking for something more direct. Some special traditions we can enjoy as a family. It doesn't have to be involved. Spring is a good time to plant, for instance. Also a good time to renew acquaintances or reaffirm ties with family. Summer is a time of ripeness, of fun. Great for a picnic, or a trip to clean up a natural place. A time to appreciate Mother Nature. Fall is a wonderful time to reflect on hearth and home- to reconnect with Grandparents, for instance. A time to learn how to cook, how to stock up for the coming winter, in both concrete and emotional ways. And winter is great for talking about death and rebirth, as the darkness comes and the the sun begins it's journey back toward longer days again. Of course, because of all the traditions we already love about Christmastime, it is also a time for giving and receiving, and for family. I'm sure I can think of more. Did/do any of you have traditions that help you recognize the turning of the year? It seems like so many people have lost that connection with the earth. We may notice it in passing, as we step outside and see the trees or feel the wind, as we track the weather to be sure we can dress comfortably and not get wet. But to reflect on time passing, to revel in the perfect completeness of this ever turning cycle, is in many ways lost on us. In some ways it is impractical to have perfect awareness of such beautifully all-encompassing truths intrude on our daily hubbub- but in other ways it is imperative that we try to invite it in. I know that I need that connection just as a tree needs it's roots to grow deep into the earth. I drink the completeness, the beauty and eternity of it, and it nourishes my soul. I want to give that connection- nay, an even deeper connection- to my children. I hope they can love, admire and draw comfort from the cycles of the earth just as I do. It will serve them well, and perhaps they will grow up with a respect for these natural things.

On colds, burned toast, writing and taxes. . .

Saturday, January 21, 2006

On colds, burned toast, writing and taxes. . . Current mood: sick So, Littleman doesn't even make it to his 4th day at Montessori school before he gets sick. Poor kid is miserable, and joy of joys I am coming down with it now, too. I feel like shit. Thank god for breastmilk's antibodies, because so far (knock on wood) little Mr. Cheeks seems unscathed. We don't need any sick infants! On a brighter note, Sweetcheeks only woke once last night to nurse. That was great! I did feel a little more rested this morning, and god knows I need it. I am rather pathetic in the field of mental capacity right now- tonight I wanted a piece of toast with butter, and I tried 3 times and burned my toast every time, because I simply do not have enough attention span to remember to take the toast out before it burns. ~sigh~ It was a real morale-booster, let me tell you. :/ At least I am really enjoying the book I am reading (in bits and pieces, when I have a sec but can't work on tax information)- it's called Bird By Bird, by Anne Lamott. It's about writing- I have had some stirrings of an inclination to write a children's book lately. I'm not sure where that little path will lead me, but I am keeping open to the idea for now. Not to make excuses or put up road blocks, but the sad truth is I really MUST meet my work obligations to organize tax information before I devote my limited time and brainpower toward a children's book. But concepts are percolating. In the meantime I slog through the day, feeling more and more sick but drawing on unknown reserves of patience to take care of an even more sick and miserable toddler, and a blessedly happy little baby. When I'm not doing that I am organizing financial information that I have to send to the accountant for our taxes this year. **^$!! taxes. This is why we need to pass the Fair Tax Act. I'd reallyreallyreally like to see it enacted, and soon!! No brilliant thoughts tonight (not that I ever seem to have any of those these days), I'm just typing what comes to mind. Now I have to do more laundry and find something for myself to eat for dinner. And maybe even go to bed.

sleep or blog? SLEEP!!

Friday, December 09, 2005

sleep or blog? SLEEP!! Current mood: drained So many nights I sit down just before bed to relax and type some thoughts into a blog entry. . . but I'm so exhausted, and really what I want and need is to go to bed. Unfortunately tonight is another one of those nights. Good night!

zen and the art of newborn nights

Friday, November 04, 2005

zen and the art of newborn nights Current mood: tired The last couple nights have been a little better. It's not necessarily because Griff is waking less- it's more because I have been more relaxed and accepting of the need for me to wake at night. Somehow, by remembering to go with the flow rather than resisting when Griff needs me at night I actually end up feeling more rested come morning. This is often easier said than done- especially when I've just snuggled into a very comfortable position when Griff starts to fuss. It can be very hard indeed to promptly give up that comfort with a light heart, and devote myself to meeting his needs. (Particularly if that means getting OUT of bed to change his diaper!!) More often than I'd like to admit, I find myself grumbling silently (or not-so-silently!) while I try in vain to soothe poor Griff with a pacifier. It's hard not to let myself do that, but trying to accept the situation is a good exercise in cultivating inner peace regardless of what might be going on in that moment. A lot of parenting can be an exercise in cultivating inner peace- remembering to slow down, accept the situation as it is and do the best we can do with that moment as it exists- and remembering not to waste energy being frustrated if a situation is not what we would have liked it to be. It's good to try and guide the present in a positive direction (so that future moments are positive), but it's a waste of energy to wish that past or present moments are/were anything other than what they are/were. (There's an awkward sentence. . .) Anyway I realized that this is a lot of the reason that I stay (relatively) sane- I try my best to go with the flow, do the best I can with the present I have, and not waste time worrying about anything that I can't change. I guess it's a good plan for anyone, but I find it's particularly important at 3:00 in the morning when I'd rather be asleep. ;) deep breath- in. . . . . . . . . . . . out. . . . . . . . . . . OK now go face your evening! :)

I don't remember what I wanted to write about. . .

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I don't remember what I wanted to write about. . . Current mood: exhausted Well, baby Griff was up every two hours last night to nurse. Considering how long it takes him to nurse each time, that leaves me with very little sleep indeed! Of course the boys did not nap at the same time today, so no naps for me either! I'm doing OK, but am pretty exhausted. Littleman takes a lot of energy! Speaking of littleman, he made some peepee in the potty today! It's probably a fluke but it's a step in the right direction, anyway. Also he had his first experience painting with a paintbrush at his easel. Messy of course, but he had a great time! I'm sitting downstairs with him now- I finally got baby Griff to take a nap (first one today) and I let littleman watch a movie so I can chill a bit. (Or chill in between laundry loads, at least). OK, enough with the news that only a parent can love. You know, I had an idea I wanted to write about, but now that I'm at the computer I can't for the life of me remember what it was. :l People joke that pregnancy and childbirth strips one of brain cells, but damn if I don't think it's true sometimes! Hmph. I guess lack of sleep could be the culprit, too. Oh, well. I should fix some dinner anyway.