Was that really me?

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Was that really me?
Current mood: wistful

I was just thinking about a song on my iPod. Most of you aren't familiar with it; it's called That's When I Knew, and it's something Billy wrote about our relationship once upon a time. (A number of jokes about HOW very long ago did occur to me, but I'll spare you!) :) Of course, it actually wasn't THAT long ago really. . . and yet, hearing it made me sad. The song references me a number of times- things I said or did, and as I listened I realized that I never get the chance to say or do any of them these days. As a matter of fact, that person the song is for hardly seems to be me at all, at least on the outside. (And I'm losing it on the inside, too I think).

The sorts of things I'm talking about are lighthearted, spontaneous, creative and relaxed. I don't feel like I'm any of these things, today. And sitting here just now, an irony occurred to me: those are some of the key elements that I always thought would help me to be an excellent Mom, yet it is mothering that seems to have stripped them right out of me! Now, doesn't that bugger all?

I'm not sitting here all depressed about this- it seems a bit inevitable, after all- but I DO so hope that matters will improve. I'll have to consider it, and see what I can do to bring a little bit of "me" back into my interactions with my kids. If they could see me as Billy once did, I doubt they'd recognize their own mama. I miss the magic in my every day.

* * *
One of the things I used to do a lot was blowing bubbles. I had bubble solution on hand at all times (almost). I loved to climb high in a tree and sit there, blowing bubbles and watching them dance away. I remember long, lovely afternoons with Billy, listening to albums (and CDs too, but a lot of good old vinyl) while we sat at his bedroom window, talking and blowing bubbles into the warm Georgia breeze. I also had a Klutz Bubble Thing, which we carted to Stone Mountain a number of times, and wowed passers-by with my monstrous bubble prowess. I have had so much fun with this thing over the years. I'd lost mine, and only recently replaced it- so, soon I do at least plan on introducing my own boys to this bit of soapy magic. Therefore, today's thumbs-up is for the Klutz Bubble Thing- here it is packaged with the book for more fun. Best used on humid days, so start dreaming of Spring and Summer. Enjoy!