Look out the window

Friday, November 18, 2005

Look out the window Current mood: mellow You know, it's interesting what a mind-game writing can be. I'll think to myself, "I should write in my blog tonight"- but then I'll realize I haven't the faintest idea what I want to write about. I don't want to laundry-list everything I did today, and I don't want to run on in sappy cliches about the boys and how great they are (and they ARE great). I want my writing to be an exercise in thinking broadly, sort of like remembering to stop staring at the computer screen every once in awhile and look way out the window instead. So I'll think to myself that I need to think of a good topic, and then I'll be able to go from there. But it's not true. That's sort of like saying that I'll decide what I'll see out the window, and only then should I look out the window to see what's there. Which is ridiculous, of course- you stretch your vision looking outside to see what you can see. Even if it's the same old view, it's always fresh and new in some way. The trick is to look and really see what's there- not to look and see what I decided to expect. Sure, there's the wall of the building next door. But see how that shadow sort of looks like a troll? And look at the way the sunlight is all honey-colored, and oh- there's a mockingbird on the gutter- see? So, rather than deciding on a topic and only then beginning to write, sometimes I just start typing and a topic comes to me. Sometimes I "see" something that leaves me feeling like my brain stood up and stretched a little before sitting back down to work on mundane tasks. (And sometimes I don't- sometimes I can't seem to focus on the right place- it happens to the best of us). But the point is that trying too hard to do it "right" often means I don't do it at all. SO, just sit down, start typing, look here, look there, try to find the right focus and what you end up with might be good, or it might be crap. Either way you've stopped and looked out the window for a moment. Chances are you saw something you wouldn't have seen otherwise- and that's a step in the right direction.

Edge of the world

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Edge of the world Current mood: accomplished The rain waited for us to start. Light at first, it escalated rapidly into a gentle but very steady downpour. The trail gets slippery, and the treebark starts to shine. Big fat drops slide off the rhododendron leaves and hit our hats, hands and faces. Before long our backs and lower legs are soaked, though the hats and rainjackets help keep the rest of us dry at least. Did we remember to bring our gaiters? Of course not! The river roars by, rushing through leaf-strewn boulders and kicking up fine mist that melts into the foggy atmosphere. Stepping very carefully and grabbing the gnarled branches for support, we scramble back up the hill to the trail. Rain starts to ease a bit as we find our treasure spot, and littleman gets to walk the forest. He leads the way, marking "secrets" as we go. We must look a bit insane, wet and bedraggled in the woods with two young boys- but littleman is on top of the world. Baby is not, however, and lets it be known he would rather be in the snug dry car, so the 4 intrepid planters turn back toward people, asphalt and the rest of our day. Mission accomplished, at least. :)

lessons in recentering

Friday, November 11, 2005

lessons in recentering Current mood: thoughtful Thinking about yoga in my last blog got me thinking about how in some ways, I have lost myself within my parenting role. It's a very easy mistake to make, and one I need to work on correcting. If I allow my individual self to be lost within the greater context of my family, then I will lose the very foundation I need in order to support my loved ones. It's extremely important to recenter occasionally, and recognize that I am an individual with my own interests and needs. This probably sounds obvious and simple to achieve, but really it can be quite difficult. A young child (especially an infant) is an extension of the parent (especially the mom) in so many ways- I realized with a bit of a shock one day that I am simply no longer one person. I cannot do things I might otherwise do, because I have this little being who is so dependant on my presence. The effects range from the very simple (like not being able to take a shower) to the obvious (I cannot drop everything and leave for a big trip, and I cannot go motorcycle riding all day) to the profound (even though the dependence will lessen and I will resume many things, I will NEVER truly be just one individual person ever again). Because this is true, finding ways to reconnect with the individual me is a challenge. I imagine other people experience this sort of thing in different ways, as well. Many people lose themselves to their work, for instance. Which makes me wonder how much of the dependence is illusory, and how much truly necessary. Often when people are so caught up in work that they lose themselves to it, the gaps they are trying to fill are not as important as they seem. A balance is crucial to a fulfilling life, and sometimes you have to shift or jettison a few things to make everything work in harmony. The trick is figuring out what can go, what must stay, and what can be moved. Is this or that as important as it seems, or is it really sleight of hand? Keeping a sense of perspective and being objective will help make the balancing act as effortless as possible. In my case, it will be mostly about time, habit and help. Finding the balance will free up the time I need for recentering- for yoga for instance, or meditation or painting or hiking- because I'll know what to shift and how. Habit is an important one, and a big hurdle for me. I can have all the great intentions in the world, and even get started in the right direction, but if I do not make it habit I will not stick with it. I have to make yoga a standard part of my routine if I want to keep it in my life. And finally I will probably need help- which is another stumbling block in my case. I am a self sufficient sort of person, and asking for help does not come naturally to me- it feels foreign. I have to make it a habit too, before I can make use of the skill to help me form other positive habits in my life! Ah well, baby steps will get me there. At least I am workking towards my goal right now- simply by keeping up with a blog, I am allowing myself time to relax and think my own thoughts for awhile. It's a step in the right direction- and hopefully, it's habit-forming! :)

a nice cup of tea

Monday, November 07, 2005

a nice cup of tea Current mood: relaxed Sometimes, there's nothing better than a hot cup of mint tea in the evening, sitting with my feet up. The scent is so relaxing, so refreshing, and it just makes me feel good. The minty steam infuses the back of my throat, leaving a lasting fresh inhalation. The warmth rushes to my stomach and radiates out, not unlike a feeling I get when practicing aware breathing in yoga. The relaxation is similar, too. Ah, yoga. . . I REALLY need to get back into doing that. . . I miss it. I can feel the lack in my body, and really also in my mind- yoga helps me feel more centered, which enables me to use my mind more effectively. But the real effect is in my spirit- I sorely miss the time spent enriching myself. That time to center myself, realign myself- it's not something I've allowed myself lately. With so little time to go around, it's hard for me to get the practice up and going again. It might be easier if I could keep it up at home, but it's just not the same for me as a group class. Time to cut these musings short, for Griff is waking.

late night adventure (of sorts)

Saturday, November 05, 2005

late night adventure (of sorts) Current mood: moody OK, so the night after I post about inner peace and acceptance of nightly interruptions, Electra (our cat) strolls into the bedroom at 4 am with some sort of little mole- a mole who is very much alive, and very loudly squeaking about it. I tend to pile my shoes behind the bedroom door, and this is where the mole finds refuge. So, at 4 am I am up locking away the cat and then trying to catch a terrified little mole with a towel. Billy got up to help, but it was still a bit of an adventure before we were finally able to release the mole, round up the now excited dogs downstairs, release the cat and get back in bed. Neither one of us was able to sleep right away, and I of course had to get right back up soon after I dropped off. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day. :)

zen and the art of newborn nights

Friday, November 04, 2005

zen and the art of newborn nights Current mood: tired The last couple nights have been a little better. It's not necessarily because Griff is waking less- it's more because I have been more relaxed and accepting of the need for me to wake at night. Somehow, by remembering to go with the flow rather than resisting when Griff needs me at night I actually end up feeling more rested come morning. This is often easier said than done- especially when I've just snuggled into a very comfortable position when Griff starts to fuss. It can be very hard indeed to promptly give up that comfort with a light heart, and devote myself to meeting his needs. (Particularly if that means getting OUT of bed to change his diaper!!) More often than I'd like to admit, I find myself grumbling silently (or not-so-silently!) while I try in vain to soothe poor Griff with a pacifier. It's hard not to let myself do that, but trying to accept the situation is a good exercise in cultivating inner peace regardless of what might be going on in that moment. A lot of parenting can be an exercise in cultivating inner peace- remembering to slow down, accept the situation as it is and do the best we can do with that moment as it exists- and remembering not to waste energy being frustrated if a situation is not what we would have liked it to be. It's good to try and guide the present in a positive direction (so that future moments are positive), but it's a waste of energy to wish that past or present moments are/were anything other than what they are/were. (There's an awkward sentence. . .) Anyway I realized that this is a lot of the reason that I stay (relatively) sane- I try my best to go with the flow, do the best I can with the present I have, and not waste time worrying about anything that I can't change. I guess it's a good plan for anyone, but I find it's particularly important at 3:00 in the morning when I'd rather be asleep. ;) deep breath- in. . . . . . . . . . . . out. . . . . . . . . . . OK now go face your evening! :)

I don't remember what I wanted to write about. . .

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

I don't remember what I wanted to write about. . . Current mood: exhausted Well, baby Griff was up every two hours last night to nurse. Considering how long it takes him to nurse each time, that leaves me with very little sleep indeed! Of course the boys did not nap at the same time today, so no naps for me either! I'm doing OK, but am pretty exhausted. Littleman takes a lot of energy! Speaking of littleman, he made some peepee in the potty today! It's probably a fluke but it's a step in the right direction, anyway. Also he had his first experience painting with a paintbrush at his easel. Messy of course, but he had a great time! I'm sitting downstairs with him now- I finally got baby Griff to take a nap (first one today) and I let littleman watch a movie so I can chill a bit. (Or chill in between laundry loads, at least). OK, enough with the news that only a parent can love. You know, I had an idea I wanted to write about, but now that I'm at the computer I can't for the life of me remember what it was. :l People joke that pregnancy and childbirth strips one of brain cells, but damn if I don't think it's true sometimes! Hmph. I guess lack of sleep could be the culprit, too. Oh, well. I should fix some dinner anyway.

Halloween and good night

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Halloween, and good night Current mood: tired (nak) Blessed Samhain to you! We had a dozen or so trick-or-treaters tonight, which isn't too bad. Not at all like when I was a kid, though! Our neighborhood would be teeming with roving gangs of costumed kids young and not-so-young, running and yelling and dragging pillowcases overflowing with candy. It went on well into the night, and pranks were pretty common, too. It was spooky, sugar-laden pandemonium. I am looking forward to going to bed as soon as I can, here. Baby Griff was up frequently last night, and even Littleman needed help settling down a couple of times. I had shallow sleep at best, and for all intents and purposes I was up for the day at 4am. (I tried for a semblance of sleep until 9 or 10am, but never managed it because Griff was so restless. I sure hope he sleeps better tonight! I am really feeling the lack. Alright, he's done nursing for now. Hopefully I can go to bed!