Throbbing, pounding din of pain, ache so intense it seems to radiate from my head in an unholy halo of suffering. It started innocently enough, just an annoyance of a headache, nothing more- until the depth and intensity built upon itself the edifice of affliction known to me as "migraine". A true, full-blown migraine headache is a trippy experience (not that I'd be able to compare, of course) in pain, a place where loud noises explode before my eyes in visual fireworks, my stomach churns with nausea and any sudden movement I make can just about do me in entirely. Movement leaves me reeling. Normal headache medications are barely effective, if at all- today I never noticed the least difference after taking some. It was homeopathic silicea, and lying still in a warm bed with a cold washcloth over my eyes, that finally tamed the beast. (Plus some candied ginger for the nausea.) It took a couple hours of being very still (thank goodness for Babyman's nap time), but by dinnertime I was up and functional once again.
The night is only sweeter now for all the torment of the afternoon. After the pain, I am so grateful for the peace of this evening. My quiet music mingles with the chirrup and peep of the frogs and night insects, cool air drifts through my kitchen window, little else but the clack of my keyboard meets my ears. The boys sleep deeply, sprawled in little boy abandon across the rumpled covers of my bed. I am not bothered by what mess I see around me- I will tidy some of it, and the rest will patiently wait for tomorrow. Now is taken, now is full, now is a rich study in senses, a meditation, a time for awareness and wonder and gratitude.
Why do we need contrast to bring out the highlights? What is it about our human awareness that so consistently forgets our blessings, until suffering carves our experience into high relief? Is this then the goal of an enlightened existence: to live in a place of meditative, golden appreciation, to be able to bask in the glow of beauty and gratitude without needing darkness to make them apparent? Or does that smack of hubris, to imagine such a thing could be possible? For without dark, there is no light. They are so intertwined, so interdependent, that one shall never exist without the other. The trick then, is to find the beauty in both. We do not find enlightenment through seeking light. It is beauty we must see. Pause now, quiet your mind for just a moment, and find beauty. It is there. Relish it. Appreciate it. Be grateful for it. It is a blessing. Practice this often. You needn't journey for enlightenment. It is all around you.
There is no "seek". Only "see".
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4 comments:
OMG!This is one of THE most powerful things I've ever read. Your writing just blows me away. I'm stunned by it. I've missed so many good things here. Have had almost no time for blogging or comments. But just starting to visit some of my favorite blogs.
This is so powerful. Anyone who has ever had a migraine knows so well what you speak of. I've not had them but 2 - 3 times in my life, but they flayed me bare, I puked with one of them. The ginger is great. I will remember the silica. I actually have some always on hand.
Although I don't have migraines, I have known acute pain that seared me, and I know EXACTLY this experience of moving from inhuman torture to utter bliss with cessation of the pain. And feeling so alive, aware and grateful. I've been through enough pain in my life that now I live in this heightened state of gratitude every single day. I don't need to feel pain to experience that sweet joy of bliss, that heightened awareness of everything around me that is beautiful and precious.
You are a rare soul Kit. And there is only one other person I know who writes like you. She also is a mom with two kids. I think you would love her. Here is the link to here site. She is a writer working on a book right now so is not posting, but I still think you would enjoy her site. Just tell her I sent you over.
http://ophelia-rising.com/2009/06/16/the-solitude-of-i/
You are truly an amazing soul. Have you thought of writing a book? I am stunned every time you comment on my blog. Your writing is not only heartfelt, but also knock-your-socks-off insightful, AND written like a intricately carved piece of wood. You, my friend, are a master.
Sending hugs and love,
Robin
Beautifully written, Kit. I'm glad your pain was short-lived, and that it has left you refreshed and revived :)
Mo
i truly enjoyed reading this post, your writing has such truth, meaning and beauty in it. thank you for sharing this wisdom.
@ Robin- Ah, what joy your comments bring. :) You are too, too kind. Thank you. I checked out that blog and definitely added her to my reader! Thanks for the recommendation. I do think of writing a book, but I haven't figured out what I want to write about! It's a pretty important first step. :P Hopefully one of these days. I need to get over to your blog! I feel perpetually behind on computer stuff, but you know how that goes. I miss my reading.
@ Mo- High praise, m'dear! Thank you so much.
@ gardenmama- Welcome! Thank you so much for stopping in and leaving a note. I'm so glad you enjoyed the post.
@ Karim- Welcome to you as well! What joy to find the occasional new reader. Thank you, and I will try to stop by your link and read a bit! :)
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