100 Days

I'm not trying to be maudlin, here- mostly I have not posted in some time because we have been so very busy. Also, it's hard to get back into the swing of posting when I have been out of the habit for so long. However I could not let this anniversary pass without sharing this song. Yesterday was 100 days since Nora died. I thought of this song, a favorite of mine. Beautiful, and eminently appropriate.

"100 Days" by King Konga

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Music Monday: Johnny Mathis

In honor of Grandma, here is a favorite song of hers: "Eres Tu", which was performed so beautifully at the memorial service by Queenie. This version is performed by Johnny Mathis, with Carlos Calderon on piano.

Wow, um. . .

So, my last post was almost 2 months ago. A great deal has happened since then. Much of it was good- The Pirate turned 5, Littleman turned 7, we had a wonderful trip to the mountains, we went camping at a music festival in Virginia, I led a Tie Dye workshop. . .

However some of it was tragic: we lost Billy's mom suddenly; she drowned in the ocean while vacationing in Florida. She died September 20. It was an awful, awful shock, and has been so difficult, especially since it was only 4 months since we'd lost Billy's Dad.

Billy's mother was vibrant, healthy, active and ALIVE. And now she is not. It's hard to remember that, sometimes. Now she is not.

She was very special to me, to all of us. My consolation is that she went quickly, on a happy day, doing something she loved, and (after having to witness the long slow decline of her husband) she did not have to experience the long slow decline herself. However it was just. Too. Soon. Sigh.

There have of course been a great many things that require attention since then, and there are changes in the works in many areas of the family's life. Billy's mother was the glue, and it will take some trial and error to find a new paradigm for our relationships. I hope we will all emerge stronger and closer for the experience.

So, I apologize for my lengthy absence. I usually keep up with my Twitter, so look me up there if things get too quiet over here. @kit_mama . I will be trying to sort and post my pictures of some of our adventures soon.
Thank you.

Wordless Wednesday

Music Monday: John Williams (guitarist)

John Williams performs Bach's Prelude From Lute Suite 4 in E Major on classical guitar.

Just gorgeous.

Wordless Wednesday

Summer Night's Implosion

The other night, we ate out for dinner. Afterwards, Billy took all the boys to go to Grandma's house, and I came home. All. By. Myself. Ahh.

Driving home, I had the windows rolled down to catch the cooler night air. The temperature gauge read 84 degrees F, but compared to daytime temps it was right refreshing. The dense summer air was a sun-warmed stream washing over me, not icy but still wonderfully cool and pleasant, caressing my face and arms and tossing my hair.

The peace of being by myself is almost overwhelming. I really have a rather solitary nature, though I have learned to be a lot more social since becoming an adult. My solitary tendencies are viciously squashed during this stage of my life, as I spend every moment with other people, mostly small persons who depend on me heavily. From the outside, it must seem fairly simple to carve out a little alone time in my days- stealing some moments while the children are sleeping or busy. However even in these brief respites, I am in demand. At any instant, I am likely to be called upon. At every instant, I am calculating, managing, thinking ahead. It is only when they leave my presence entirely, safe in responsible hands, that I'm suddenly reminded what it's really like to be by myself. My bodily needs are the only bodily needs I must concern myself with. Other duties may call, but my thoughts are my own. It's really quite drastic.

I slowed down along Main St, admiring the old overhanging oak branches and the golden glow of the streetlights. The intense humidity refracted the lights, giving each one its own halo, softening the light into something more akin to fireflies than lightbulbs. I smiled, picturing the regimental parade of fireflies, marching down Main Street in celebratory fashion. The crickets chirped a jaunty summer rhythm in time.

Suddenly, all these elements came together in my awareness, the peacefulness of my own company, the wash of the summer night air, the soft glow of the lights, the trees, the crickets. Everything condensed with a bang, a little implosion of perception. It felt a bit like stepping into a parallel, enchanted universe, one that I used to frequent but that I'd somehow left behind. The night around me was positively alive with magic, bursting with impossible possibilities.

How has it become so easy for me to look past this wonder, blind to the beauties all around me? How have I become a person who can't see the forest for the trees? I am always striving, striving to meet a thousand worthy goals and a thousand more. I forge ahead, doing my best though I know there will never be enough of me to go around. In trying always to do better, to be more on top of things, I have shuttered my awareness of the finer wonders of the world. Somehow I, one whose very identity was wrapped up in magic, have managed to shelve that openness in favor of perceived efficiency.

Somehow in trying to improve, I am quashing the only parts of me that I felt truly sure of. My own personal wisdom, if you will. It is so very, very hard to be efficient and be open, relaxed, aware at the same time. Efficiency leaves very little room for serendipity. I hope I will be able to find that balance, to pole the deeper waters down the middle, where the current runs fast and sure, and I can sit back and enjoy the ride.