My Self and the Motorcycle

I've been musing on a few things lately, which may or may not make it into this blog. In fact, that it one of the things I've been musing on. . . someone told me that I am too cautious when I write here. That my best writing is deeply personal, and that most of what I post here is more "aloof", in a way. Hmmm. I've been thinking on that one.

I hope to write more on it- but it's late and I'm exhausted, and I think instead I will post something that was originally part of a private conversation between Billy and me. See, in the context of a broader conversation Billy suggested to me, quite logically, that we should sell the motorcycle. It has excellent resale value, and it gets precious little use, these days. I cried. Later, I wrote Billy a letter to explain my reaction. I'm tempted to qualify what I wrote, but that would be too cautious, wouldn't it? Habits die hard. :) So, I'll just share some of what I've been thinking about.

* * *

Hey, Billy.
You're right that the idea of selling the motorcycle was a particular blow- and since I was already upset, it broke the dam. Motorcycle riding with you is so special to me. . . in some ways it's the last vestige of the friendship we used to have. It's not just about something recreational. Riding the motorcycle is simultaneously thrilling, fun, romantic, meditative, physical, challenging, rewarding. . . I can't think of anything else in the world that makes me feel the same way. Sharing the experience with you helps refill the reserves that I draw on daily in our relationship. Every day that I don't ride, someplace inside me aches. Seriously- I feel it every day. I was just beginning to feel a renewed hope that soon, we would take more days to ride- not all the time of course, but at least a lot more than once a year. Finally finally, I am not pregnant nor do I have a tiny, breastfeeding infant. It's been a long six years. . . but I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

However here too, I am secondary to our children in your affection. You want to replace the motorcycle with something we can do with the kids. I try to accept that you may never wish to be around me as you once did. I am infinitely grateful that you love our boys SO much and wish to spend as much time as possible with them. I can watch you pour physical affection on the boys every second that you are near them, and love that they have such an awesome daddy, even if we'll go days when the only non-accidental physical contact from you is a quick, distracted kiss as you head out the door. Please don't think I'm ungrateful- I see you try, and I especially love it that you tell me you love me, and that you sometimes remember to give me a real hug when I least expect it. It still hurts, but that's not really what this is about. What I REALLY need is my friend back. At least a couple times a year. And when you're around the kids, you are first and foremost their Daddy. As wonderful as that is, it leaves ME shut out. I might be their Mommy, but you don't really have time for your friend. OK. I love being a mommy. But just every once in awhile, I need to be just me. Motorcycle riding with you makes me feel like me again.

I am dying inside, Billy. I am losing my sense of self. I am nothing more than a service-bot to our children, to my responsibilities, even to you. Everything that once made me a unique and special person is pretty much gone. I cannot read, I cannot dream, I can't be alone, I cannot do art, I cannot relax, I don't even have my best friend anymore. I am now defined by elements that are external to me- mostly by the kids, which are great, but it's not ME anymore. I'm shut away in a closet inside, while I work on developing and experiencing this other person- a great person I hope, my boys' mommy.

So in a way, you can see that my reaction to motorcycle riding is a symptom. . . I have so much bound up in this one wonderful, symbolic and renewing activity. I may not be able to read and dream, but at least once in awhile, I can escape at high speeds with the man I love. I can breathe mountain air and BE ME. When the kids are around, I'm not me. I'm their mommy. That's not a bad thing, but do you understand- it's defined through these external things. I'm losing my SELF. And that, I think, is a dangerous thing. I think it's important that I keep my individual self alive, somewhere deep inside me. Maybe one day she can come out more often.

Anyway, I just wanted to explain my reaction better. Thinking about getting rid of the bike twists my gut. But logically, you are absolutely right: it doesn't make sense to keep it. No activity with the children will replace it, though. I'm sorry. It's just not the same for me.
I love you.
Kit

Motorcycle Flashback

Even though it's been raining a lot, I've still got the itch to ride. I was looking through my photo program to find some older pictures to post for you all, and came across these- some of my favorites. This is Billy and me tearing up the Dragon's Tail back in May 2006. That was an amazing trip, one of those magic rides when our timing, skills and circumstances all come together in transcendence.

Hopefully Billy and I will get away soon for this year's ride. Until then, enjoy these shots (thanks to Moonshine Photo).









(Click on a photo to view it larger)

My broken window

I have an ache, and it has nothing to do with the bruise on my knee, my ever-sore back or even my head. It's a chronic pain that gets worse the nicer the weather is. It's an ache deep in my soul, and I've been feeling it worse than usual lately.

I want to go riding.

I want to pull on my leather jacket, strap on my Arai helmet and hop up behind my beloved for a badass day on the K1200RS. I want to head for the mountain roads. I want to go motorcycle riding.

There is something indescribable about a really great ride- something so life-affirming for me, that it's absence is like a broken windowpane, a void where something should be. I feel this lack painfully.

I have been pregnant and/or nursing nonstop for 6 years as of this month. 6 years solid. Now, that's not to say I haven't been on the bike in that long- oh no, in fact each of our three boys has enjoyed a motorcycle ride in-utero. (Yes, it was OK with my doctor- it was very early in the pregnancy.) But I've been lucky to get in just one ride per year, IF that. Even now that it's getting (slightly) easier for us to get away sans children once in awhile, it's hard to be totally comfortable on the bike anymore. What if something happened to us? It only takes one oncoming idiot to cross into our lane, or to turn in front of us in an intersection, and suddenly both our boys' parents could be gone. Billy is an experienced driver, and I have full confidence in him (or else I wouldn't ride at all), but let's face it- an accident on the bike is less forgiving than one in a car. It's a very scary thought, which hangs over us anytime we do manage to get away to ride the roads.

Of course, everything we do carries risks and benefits. If we never risked our lives, we'd never try anything- certainly we'd never have had most of the experiences that have enriched my life and shaped my being. Motorcycle riding brings me such joy and satisfaction, it seems illogical to shy away from it because we fear a remote possibility. But risk assessment takes on a whole new meaning when it's your children's future in the balance. Of course, we worry. And are less likely to arrange for a motorcycle day together.

I weep for riding. Driving the minivan to or from errands on a gorgeous day, the sight of a couple on a good fast bike can literally knock the breath out of me. My sudden longing is a physical pang. Ouch. I wish I were riding.

visit these blogs

Sunday, January 27, 2008


visit these blogs
Current mood: mellow


OK, I'm back- I couldn't resist pointing you to a couple blog posts I read today.

First, to the Lefsetz Letter for today's post titled "Overnight Sensation". Read this. It's especially important if you are in the music business, but even if you are not it applies to most unrealized (as of yet) dreams.

There are a lot of ways to fail to reach your goals, but the only surefire way is to stop trying.

Second, to Killboy for the 1/18/08 post titled "Reading Material". If you ride a motorcycle, you will recognize and appreciate the eloquence of this post. If you don't ride, perhaps you will get an impression of the experience. In any case, it's good writing.

Want more? Maybe you remember this post of mine from a motorcycle ride with Billy. (shameless self promotion I guess, but I like remembering it).

That's it. Just had to share. :)

our yearly getaway

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

our yearly getaway Current mood: content Had my yearly (for our anniversary) overnight vacation from the kiddos this last Sunday and Monday. It was soooo nice! Billy and I rode the motorcycle to a place in NC that we've wanted to stay at. It's been literally a year since I last rode the bike, and Billy is a bit out of practice too. That being the case, we didn't exactly kick ass in our riding this trip. It was hard to find our groove. That was OK, though- we took it easy and enjoyed ourselves. There's no need to try to prove anything if the skills just aren't up to par right now. Hopefully we'll get a chance to practice more after this baby gets a little older, and in the meantime we were mostly interested in enjoying each other's company and trying to rejuvinate. I was surprised at how difficult I found it to relax and feel my connection with our surroundings. That's usually a skill I can access with just a little effort, but it took me awhile before I started to really "see" the landscape and to feel my energy flow more freely. At some point, all of a sudden I could feel fingers of beauty reaching inside me to poke my soul awake. It was still gradual from there, but more and more I started to notice the spectacular details and magic we passed through. I don't think I ever reached a point where I was truly connected, but I certainly came close enough to refill my spiritual reserve for awhile. Damn, I needed that. Incidentally the place we stayed is called the Snowbird Mountain Lodge, and I highly recommend it. We never stayed there before because rooms are over $200, and go up from there. However, we realized that the room rate includes three meals, and let me tell you the food was excellent. Dinner was superb, and included four courses. Alcohol is not included in the price, but if you choose to drink they have an amazing wine list, a full bar and a fantastic array of beers to choose from. (No I didn't get to partake of course, but you can bet I'll go back sometime when I will be able to!) The coffee and teas are scrumptious. Then there's a full breakfast the next morning (don't miss the warm scones!) and they send you off with a picnic lunch. Yumyumyum! Not to mention the Lodge itself was wonderful- they pay close attention to every detail. They do not allow children under 12- a benefit in this case. It will be awhile before I'm able to get away for this again, but I sure hope to go back when it's feasible. If you need a luxurious, relaxing getaway consider splurging on this place. I wish we could have stayed much longer!

Our awesome motorcycle pics

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Our awesome motorcycle pics (updated) Current mood: impressed So, if you want to see the badass pictures of Billy and I on the motorcycle last Thursday, they are available online. There are a few companies that hang out on the Dragon's Tail and shoot pics of everyone driving by. They put the pics online, and you can go see if they have any shots of you. Two companies got pics of our run that day- here's how to see them: www.moonshinephoto.com - click on the purple dragon in the middle of the page, toward the top. (The link says, Click here for photo page!Deal's Gap, "The Dragon", Hwy 129) - Under Thursday May 4, 2006 (on the left hand side) click on the link "Also, Sport bikes, Cruisers, Motards, etc" - click on "Cruisers, trikes etc" - navigate to page 15 - We are the 4th - the 11th pictures on this page. Blue and white BMW K1200RS. The other pics will be available soon- they were up, but he is having technical difficulties. In the meantime, you could check out his front page- cool shots every week! UPDATE: The new pics are available! Go to: www.killboy.com (THE site for pics on the Dragon's Tail) - under "Our Store" (right hand side, under the header) click on " --> Your Photos are Here!" - click on "Deals Gap - May 1-6, 2006" - click on "4th - Thursday / Touring Bikes" - We are the last 2 shots on page 7, the first on page 8 and on page 11 we are the 2nd - 5th. We will probably buy some pictures from them, so eventually I should be able to post a couple on myspace.

Is it still a train of thought if it's on a motorcycle?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Is it still a train of thought if it's on a motorcycle? Current mood: happy The far side of the lake flickers on and off like an old film, disappearing and reappearing rapidly as trees whip past my vision. Warm, heavy air captures scent and holds it, intensifying the honeysuckle and fresh-mown hay until it feels as though we are swimming in summertime. I anticipate the turns, our bodies synchronized and balanced, dancing with the living asphalt. The speed is exhilarating, but it is this measured, magic balance that defines our best rides. (It's rather like meditation, really- I'm having difficulty describing it- it is learned and practiced, but feels utterly instinctual. It requires a certain hyper-awareness of the here and now. It's a matter of rhythm, of relaxation and of skill. Such rides definitely tap into an energy and a power that is beyond the everyday). Passing through forest, the air is thick with the scent of hot, baking pine straw- sweet and toasty, it perfumes the air as surely as fresh spice cake on a crisp winter evening. I see the butterfly in a split instant, and abruptly it whips along my wake and off somewhere behind me. Does it wonder what in the hell that was all about? (I'm glad I didn't splat it). Slower, easier here, I stretch warmed muscles and tip my helmet toward the sky. We've been lucky today, skirting pewter-black billows and staying dry. Now I see a smooth expanse of perfect turquoise, strewn with endless marches of roiling brilliant white cumulus. The sun is getting lower and it is sparkling with improbable incandescence off the stream winding through the fields. Brief flashes of life whiz by, little glimpses into other universes populated with joys and sorrows, wisdom and folly, peace and stresses that I shall never know anything about. Flash, flicker, flying by and they are gone, just as quickly as they arrived. I'm overwhelmed, happily trying to take it all in, sucking in life and love and exhilaration until I feel as though my heart would burst. How much life can one being hold? I see the passing place coming and adjust my position, and then we fly away to new horizons.