Good News

Well, well, well. Almost one year exactly since my last post. It truly is amazing what all can happen in just 12 months.

I am indescribably happy to report that I am sitting on our porch, listening to the birds and the water, the wind and the windchimes, feeling the breeze and the warm sunlight. OUR porch. On the family property. Yes, we finally pulled it off. :) This wonderful place is home.



It took a few more weeks after I wrote my last post, but we did find some renters for our house. We had to accept a reduced rent but at least they have been good tenants so far. Once that was settled, it took a good 3 months to jump through all the mortgage hoops in order to secure financing to pay off Billy's siblings. We moved in the beginning of October 2012. I still have trouble believing we managed it- it definitely would not have been possible without help from all quarters, including our real estate agent, our mortgage broker who was nothing short of amazing, and of course our incredible friends who supported our quest through to completion. We are forever grateful.



Of course moving in, as difficult as it was to achieve, is still only the beginning! A property like this requires a lot of maintenance, and on top of that we have wonderful plans for improving it and truly making it our home.



We've begun remodeling to the interior of the house, and I am hard at work building and maintaining a large vegetable garden in the field.



There are all the usual adjustments to moving a family, plus we are sort of rebuilding our lives after having everything on hold for 2 years. On top of all that we are still piloting our business through some of the toughest financial times we've sailed it through, and while the sky there is clearing we still have a way to go. Sometimes it seems a bit overwhelming, but then I take my coffee out onto the porch in the morning and I remember all over again what a gift and a blessing it is to be here and to be caretaker of this incredible legacy.



(All photos were taken by me with a Motorola Atrix 2 cellphone 8MP camera, except: the family portrait- for that I used the camera phone to snap a picture of the professional print, which is from a chain portrait studio- and the picture of me mixing grout, which was taken by my friend Jeff.)

Thanksgiving

I know your blog reader is probably awash in gratitude right now, but I can't let this day slide by without acknowledgment. Today is Thanksgiving Day in the U.S., and regardless of the holiday's origins it is one of my favorite days of the year. Some argue that it's counter-productive to set aside one day for giving thanks, when gratitude is something we should all practice on a daily basis. While I understand that point, I don't think Thanksgiving (the holiday) precludes thanksgiving (as a daily practice). Thanksgiving is a reminder and an opportunity. (Not to mention a delicious tradition!)

Before we head to my sister-in-law's, I wanted a moment of reflection. My life is so full of blessings. Health, family, friends, food and shelter. . . so many things that fill me with wonder. I won't list them all here- some of my (walking, talking) blessings are very impatient for me to get moving. ;) I will end simply with the best possible prayer, no matter the creed or faith- the closest phrase I can think of to express this sense of fullness, wonder and gratitude:

Thank you.
Thank you.
From the depths of my being, thank you.

Enlightenment

Throbbing, pounding din of pain, ache so intense it seems to radiate from my head in an unholy halo of suffering. It started innocently enough, just an annoyance of a headache, nothing more- until the depth and intensity built upon itself the edifice of affliction known to me as "migraine". A true, full-blown migraine headache is a trippy experience (not that I'd be able to compare, of course) in pain, a place where loud noises explode before my eyes in visual fireworks, my stomach churns with nausea and any sudden movement I make can just about do me in entirely. Movement leaves me reeling. Normal headache medications are barely effective, if at all- today I never noticed the least difference after taking some. It was homeopathic silicea, and lying still in a warm bed with a cold washcloth over my eyes, that finally tamed the beast. (Plus some candied ginger for the nausea.) It took a couple hours of being very still (thank goodness for Babyman's nap time), but by dinnertime I was up and functional once again.

The night is only sweeter now for all the torment of the afternoon. After the pain, I am so grateful for the peace of this evening. My quiet music mingles with the chirrup and peep of the frogs and night insects, cool air drifts through my kitchen window, little else but the clack of my keyboard meets my ears. The boys sleep deeply, sprawled in little boy abandon across the rumpled covers of my bed. I am not bothered by what mess I see around me- I will tidy some of it, and the rest will patiently wait for tomorrow. Now is taken, now is full, now is a rich study in senses, a meditation, a time for awareness and wonder and gratitude.

Why do we need contrast to bring out the highlights? What is it about our human awareness that so consistently forgets our blessings, until suffering carves our experience into high relief? Is this then the goal of an enlightened existence: to live in a place of meditative, golden appreciation, to be able to bask in the glow of beauty and gratitude without needing darkness to make them apparent? Or does that smack of hubris, to imagine such a thing could be possible? For without dark, there is no light. They are so intertwined, so interdependent, that one shall never exist without the other. The trick then, is to find the beauty in both. We do not find enlightenment through seeking light. It is beauty we must see. Pause now, quiet your mind for just a moment, and find beauty. It is there. Relish it. Appreciate it. Be grateful for it. It is a blessing. Practice this often. You needn't journey for enlightenment. It is all around you.

There is no "seek". Only "see".

Whose turn is it this time?

Just want to poke my head in here to say I'm sorry I'm too busy to post- this weekend was taken with dental visits and visits to my Grandmother's and on top of that Babyman got sick (all over me) Saturday night and is still quite miserable. A miserable baby is a time-consuming, exhausting thing. And considering how yucky this continues to be, I must say that if I am never vomited upon again for the rest of my life, it will be too soon. Ick.

Thank heavens for big brothers who are old enough to put their own movie in the DVD player and help themselves to yogurt, applesauce, crackers and bananas- because I don't know how they would have had dinner tonight, otherwise. And I am also grateful for laptops and wireless, which have allowed me to pop on here for a quick word. Also thank you to Billy, who supervised some outside time for the older boys this morning while he cleaned his car, so I could tend the baby, which means that older brother are not now bouncing off the walls with pent-up energy. (whew.) Oh, and beautiful open-window weather, that's a blessing too. I'll just keep thinking of things I am grateful for, for awhile.

My poor, poor babyman.

This sick thing just doesn't seem to end!

Unlocking Words

Blessed Samhain/Happy Halloween to you!
Have fun this evening, take care and take a moment to remember your loved ones who have already crossed the veil.

Most years Billy takes the boys trick-or-treating, while I (with any littleuns too young) stay home and pass candy to the ghosts and ghoulies who come knocking. I love passing out candy in my neighborhood- in some ways, it seems like trick-or-treating is a dying practice, and it makes me feel good too keep it alive. Plus, I feel neighborly.

This year however, I will be leaving the lame bowl of candy on the front porch, because Billy and the boys will be trick-or-treating with their cousins, while I drive to a friend's for some Samhain celebration with only ONE child to be responsible for. Hopefully I'll get some relatively uninterrupted adult conversation, and actually be able to reflect on the turning of the year as it draws to a close, and we enter the fallow time.

* * *

Meanwhile, (perhaps suitably, for this time of year) I have put down the enlightening non-fiction book I've been slogging through, and instead picked up The Vampire Chronicles by Anne Rice.

Surprisingly, I've never read any of Anne Rice's books before. So far, I am really enjoying this story. It is drawing me in, and opening windows in my brain that I hadn't noticed had shut.

You see, it's been quite awhile since I read a fiction book for pleasure, and I'd not realized how much I depend on it to keep a creative spark alive inside my head. I'm already aware that I need to write regularly to keep certain neurons firing, to make those verbal connections that give shape and form to the tides of my experience. But until recently, I hadn't really understood how very much reading for pleasure can have the same effect. In fact, I'm beginning to understand that neither can work effectively alone- I need to both immerse myself in the words of others, AND consciously create my own, if I wish to call the muse.

Since delving into Interview With the Vampire I've gradually noticed words coming to me unbidden, causing reflection. . . The words have nothing to do with vampires; they are merely subconscious thoughts and feelings that through words, are given the gift of life. Words give them substance and allow me to recognize them from the formless void within.

One thought that surfaced was a better understanding of my oddly polar existence as a mother: I am nothing before my children- a vast gulf of emptiness, their life force driving away my Self. Yet at the very same time I am everything, the whole universe to them, there is no one more important than I. I am a mote of dust in a forgotten corner; I am omniscient Goddess. All and nothing. It's a condition not unique to motherhood; indeed we are all a mysterious composite of dirt and divinity- but the utter surrender of motherhood has brought a deeper understanding to my contradictory position.

Or words unbidden in reaction as I step outside on a cool clear evening: reflections on the brittle beauty of crystal clear night air, a velvet dark sky and shining stars. What is it about a clear autumn night that calls to me, coaxes me like a lover, excites my senses? How can something so dark and cold stoke such fires in my soul?

Words, words, words. What would I do without them? How could I understand my own urgings? I'd be a painter without paint, a baker with no flour. A sunset void of colors. Tonight I am grateful for inspired words, unbidden.

Gratitude

Friday, May 25, 2007


Gratitude
Current mood: grateful

I'm tired so this will be short this evening. Hopefully I'll blog tomorrow too.

But I felt like typing my gratitude list for the night. . .
Tonight, I am grateful for:
- my little men
- that they have a super daddy
- clean laundry
- the plants in my vegetable garden (may they live long, fruitful lives this season)
- the live snake Electra brought me today (not!)
- that my pregnancy has been healthy and uncomplicated so far (may it continue so!)
- naps
- adults to talk to

And for the news only a mother can love, let it be known that Mr. Sweetcheeks pooped on the potty today! It's probably just a fluke for now, but it is the second time he's done it so that's good news.

What are you grateful for today?