Summer Night's Implosion

The other night, we ate out for dinner. Afterwards, Billy took all the boys to go to Grandma's house, and I came home. All. By. Myself. Ahh.

Driving home, I had the windows rolled down to catch the cooler night air. The temperature gauge read 84 degrees F, but compared to daytime temps it was right refreshing. The dense summer air was a sun-warmed stream washing over me, not icy but still wonderfully cool and pleasant, caressing my face and arms and tossing my hair.

The peace of being by myself is almost overwhelming. I really have a rather solitary nature, though I have learned to be a lot more social since becoming an adult. My solitary tendencies are viciously squashed during this stage of my life, as I spend every moment with other people, mostly small persons who depend on me heavily. From the outside, it must seem fairly simple to carve out a little alone time in my days- stealing some moments while the children are sleeping or busy. However even in these brief respites, I am in demand. At any instant, I am likely to be called upon. At every instant, I am calculating, managing, thinking ahead. It is only when they leave my presence entirely, safe in responsible hands, that I'm suddenly reminded what it's really like to be by myself. My bodily needs are the only bodily needs I must concern myself with. Other duties may call, but my thoughts are my own. It's really quite drastic.

I slowed down along Main St, admiring the old overhanging oak branches and the golden glow of the streetlights. The intense humidity refracted the lights, giving each one its own halo, softening the light into something more akin to fireflies than lightbulbs. I smiled, picturing the regimental parade of fireflies, marching down Main Street in celebratory fashion. The crickets chirped a jaunty summer rhythm in time.

Suddenly, all these elements came together in my awareness, the peacefulness of my own company, the wash of the summer night air, the soft glow of the lights, the trees, the crickets. Everything condensed with a bang, a little implosion of perception. It felt a bit like stepping into a parallel, enchanted universe, one that I used to frequent but that I'd somehow left behind. The night around me was positively alive with magic, bursting with impossible possibilities.

How has it become so easy for me to look past this wonder, blind to the beauties all around me? How have I become a person who can't see the forest for the trees? I am always striving, striving to meet a thousand worthy goals and a thousand more. I forge ahead, doing my best though I know there will never be enough of me to go around. In trying always to do better, to be more on top of things, I have shuttered my awareness of the finer wonders of the world. Somehow I, one whose very identity was wrapped up in magic, have managed to shelve that openness in favor of perceived efficiency.

Somehow in trying to improve, I am quashing the only parts of me that I felt truly sure of. My own personal wisdom, if you will. It is so very, very hard to be efficient and be open, relaxed, aware at the same time. Efficiency leaves very little room for serendipity. I hope I will be able to find that balance, to pole the deeper waters down the middle, where the current runs fast and sure, and I can sit back and enjoy the ride.

Father's Day

From Father's Day 2009

On Father's Day, we went to Grandpa and Grandma's house. Grandpa's mental faculties wax and wane, and we try to get up there to visit as often as we can. Grandpa is a Great man, a force all unto himself. It is terribly sad to see him struggling with physical and mental weakness. It's not a situation he is accustomed to, and he does not handle it well. Billy and I want our boys to know Grandpa, to catch a glimpse of the vital person inside the aged man. I hope they remember.

The days have been brutally hot. We sat on the dock in the early evening to catch the light breeze playing off the water. One of the canoes was missing, so Billy and the boys had gone out on the lake to look for it. Babyman relaxed on the dock with Grandma, Grandpa and me.

From Father's Day 2009

Littleman was determined that day to handle the kayak all by himself. He'd had a little practice while sitting in Billy's lap, but had never tried it on his own. (It's a recreational kayak, designed for flat water paddling- very stable for a kayak.) I was anxious to hear how his first foray had gone. Finally, I saw him heading our way.

From Father's Day 2009

He was doing well!




Surprisingly well! Though the paddle was of course ridiculously oversized for him, he handled it beautifully and guided the kayak right where he wanted it to go. I was very impressed- it takes skill to paddle a kayak. Our kayak is easier than many, but it is still quite a feat for a 5 year old!

Billy, Mr. Sweetcheeks and Gimli were not far behind, towing the found canoe. Billy shouted encouragement to Littleman while Gimli made a fine figurehead.

From Father's Day 2009

It was such a fine day for a canoe ride. Sweetcheeks thoroughly enjoyed it, and especially appreciated having Daddy "all to himself" in the canoe. He even helped rescue the lost canoe from the swamp!

From Father's Day 2009

I turned my attention back to Littleman, who was now negotiating the tricky business of docking. As he came closer I was struck with one of those visions, when I see my children existing simultaneously as babies and grown-up boys. This is my firstborn baby, my tiny treasure! My little cloth-diapered nurseling. Look at his sweet chubby cheeks! Look how tiny he is! What is he doing by himself in a kayak?!?? Have I lost my mind?

From Father's Day 2009

But, wait- look again. Look at this skilled, determined little grown-up boy. Strong, lean, capable. See him forging his way in this world. See him finding his own way.

From Father's Day 2009

How can they both be here, now, in this one little person? Like Grandpa, the strong vital spirit hiding under the old man, Littleman has his own strong, vital spirit emerging from a sweet chubby little baby. Walking his own path, growing eventually into his own Great man.

However my boys choose to forge their way, they have strong inspiration to help guide them. Thank goodness for great Daddies.

From Father's Day 2009

Live Your Dream

It hit me today: how easy it is to have a dream, but to allow yourself to be so distracted that you no longer hold that image, that dream in your mind's eye. It's one thing to have to attend to daily matters- that's going to happen. Sometimes we also have to set our own concerns aside for awhile if friends or family need our help. But the trick is to do these things without losing sight of our dream.

My experience has been that dreams are attainable. There are some tricks to attaining them however, and the most important trick is the dream itself. To have an attainable dream, you need a clear idea of the whole picture, uncluttered by things you only think you want. Dreams need detail. Don't be afraid to imagine in HD. It's OK if there are a few nuts and bolts that you aren't sure of, but overall you need to have a clear image to work with.

Once you have the detail, look carefully at your dream. Figure out what parts are most important to you- what are you really wishing for, deep down? What parts of your dream are the yearnings of your soul, and what parts are fluff or simply a means to an end? For instance, a lot of people dream of winning the lottery. I ask, what's the point? Often it's because they yearn for the sense of security that they imagine would come from having a great deal of money. I understand this, definitely. But what is the true dream here? The money? Or the feeling? Perhaps someone wishes to win the lottery so that they can travel. Well then, the travel experiences are the dream, not the money. To help your dream come to reality, you need a clear idea of what it is you REALLY want, and why you want it. Always examine your dreams in this way. Even something that seems silly on the surface can reveal something important about yourself, and allow you to understand what things might make you happier.

Once you have a nice, clearheaded picture of your true desire, complete with details and stripped of red herrings, you need to hold onto that image. Think about your dream. Tape a picture on the fridge, if that will help you remember. Read things relevant to your dream. If you've narrowed your image down to what's really important to you, then you're likely to want to read and think about it anyway. Let yourself imagine it. Pretend you're writing a story about a character who attains this dream. (Or go ahead and write one!) Whatever you want to do that keeps the idea percolating in your mind. Revise your dream as you understand it better, but don't lose sight of what's really important to you- your soul's desire.

These simple sounding steps are, in a way, the hardest steps to attaining your goal. Know what you REALLY want. (That one's very tough.) Allow yourself to dream in detail. (Don't think this part is frivolous.) And hold that dream in your mind. Don't lose sight of it. Don't forget about it.

Then comes the last step, really: LIVE your dream. Yes I'm over-simplifying things a bit. But it really isn't that complicated in concept. It might seem impossible, it might seem like the "wrong time", you might not have all your ducks in a row. You might not have enough money. But if you know what you REALLY, REALLY want, then just go get it. The rest will fall into place. I'm not saying it will be easy to do. But do it anyway. My experience is, that you'll start to find things just work out when you're headed in the right direction. Just don't lose the dream.

* * *

Synchronicity is merely a sign that you are tuning to the right frequency.

* * *

While I was writing this post, someone sent me a link to this song. Don't be put off by the fact that it's Miley Cyrus. (LOL!) I like it a lot. And it seemed so relevant to my musings, I got goosebumps.


Live your dream, my friends. Live your dream.

Reach your goals

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Reach your goals Current mood: thoughtful When you decide to march toward a specific goal, is it better to "keep the faith", "your eyes on the prize", to maintain a clear focus and never waver from that path? Or is it better to take a guerrilla approach, keeping the ultimate goal in mind but scooting your way toward it any which way you can- dodging behind trees, perhaps taking a detour if necessary to avoid an obstacle in your way? On the one hand it seems the first approach is the best method- pure, simple and elemental. Visualize your goals, start off in that direction and never waver in your belief that you will find your way there. Treat it as a done deal. Do not hedge your bets, do not doubt that the universe will honor your convictions. Do this well, and you will manifest your Will. In practice however, I think it is more effective to combine the convictions of the first method with the flexibility and determination of the second. I have heard people who ascribe to the first method speak of keeping their minds and hearts open to their ultimate goal or something better, whichever path the Universe (or God, or spirits etc) feels is best. This is all well and good, but I think the problem lies in the fact that this is a passive approach. Many say that you must clear space in your life to make room for the good things you want to come in. That's probably true- but I don't think it's wise to stop there. As a matter of fact, I think that is barely the beginning. Making room in your life for your goals, clearly visualizing them and never doubting that you will reach them is a fine and necessary foundation, but it is only the foundation. To finish the temple you need blood, sweat and ingenuity. You need bricks and mortar. You have to build your way toward that goal, and if an obstacle presents itself you must find your way past it. You need a guerrilla approach. There is the popular phrase, "God helps those who help themselves". I think many people underestimate just how much God wants us to solve our own problems. They think they are marching toward their goals, but really they are wandering in circles trying to get past some roadblock- physical, mental or spiritual. It can be painful getting around these problems. There are briar patches, and ravines, and sometimes hungry wolves. You must be careful not to get so hung up on getting around a problem, that you miss seeing the simple way through. You also must beware of taking a side path that, rather than bringing you back toward your goal, actually turns out to be taking you far aside in a different direction. Sometimes you have to backtrack a bit. But if you do not lose faith in yourself, you visualize your goals clearly and maintain a steady persistence you will acheive your dreams (and more).